Is this really happening?

On Saturday, my wonderful Fijian man took me to the jewelry store and paid off a rather beautiful diamond ring. They have to make it now, so I am scheduled to pick it up on Thursday. I have been told I can pick it up but not wear it. I have yet to be officially asked a particular and rather important question.



So I am assuming this wedding/sharing our lives together thing is really moving forward. SCREAM!! I am thrilled and scared to death at the same time. My thoughts are firmly grounded in reality so deep that a happy ending seems far to fictional for someone like me. I don't come to marriage with any sort of fairytale fantasy about happily ever after. I gave up on that ideal many years ago. Maybe I am jaded. I admit it. I know about bills and pain and anguish and crushed dreams and deceit and anger. I know about regret and fear. Betz asks me what I am afraid of and I really don't have an answer. I am just afraid. The fear is always with me. The closest thing I can come to labeling it is fear of failure. As I council with my Bishop regarding this issue he asks, "If you allow your fear to cripple you, what will you ever achieve?" HMMMMM????



I don't want to run from a future of possible joy. Reality tells me life will be difficult. I will have my share of challenges but I know we are all promised joy. Is that promise not for me? Is it not for my children? Is the peace I feel with Abete real? I want to share my life with him. I want Belle to feel the love of having a father. When we are apart and read from the Book of Mormon over the phone, I marvel at his wisdom and understanding of the gospel of our Savior, Jesus Chirst. I love to listen to his conversations with the Father through prayer.

I look at the people and relationships around me and know they are happy and have struggles. My parents show me that as long as your goal is an eternal family, all things can be overcome. My brother Aaron and his most patient wife Bonnie exemplify that even with distance a family can grow together. Bonnie has taught me what it means to truly support her husband through the separation they have endured while he served his country. Russ and Jenny make me smile with their love for one another and how they accept each other even with their little quirks. Maria and Jeff show me how adversity and trials can unite a couple. Things around them may stand in their way but together they overcome and sweet Maria quietly and consistently holds her family together as a mother should. Sharen and Memo exemplify allowing your partner to try new things and create new hobbies and love each other as they change and grow. (Thank goodness none of my other siblings are married or I would be here forever.)

As they have struggled, so have they had joy and happiness. They cheer their spouses on to victory and comfort them when they fall. I watch them get frustrated with each other and smile. Even though they have their moments, each one of them would move mountains for their partners if needed.

So here I am. Scared to death. But maybe this is my chance to share my life with someone that will move a mountain for me and I can try to move a mountain for them.