This afternoon Manuel and his friend Sebastian came over to work on my home gym that I bought over a month ago and is still unfinished. I can not get to it so I recruited help. Young men wanting money to the rescue. While they worked on the gym, I started cleaning the garage.
Which basically means I have to clean out my life. For the last five years I have moved these boxes around with me without ever going through them. I either hid them out of sight in a storage unit or in my parents garage (thanks Mom!). Now with a garage of my own I have to face the boxes. For eight months the garage has been sealed. I pass the door and just have not been able to venture in there. I guess you could say I don't just come with some baggage, I come with a garage full of boxes. (LOL)
I did it. I opened boxes. I threw things away. It's actually painful. Everything in those boxes represents a day in my life. A life that has taken different directions at different times and these boxes have traveled with me over the last five years; they have been my constant. I am not asking for sympathy. Who keeps bills with a name on it that is no longer mine? What do I do with pictures of a family that no longer exists, if it ever did? Why do I keep a set of dishes given to me at my wedding that have never once been used? How do you let go? How do you let go even when you believe you already have. Don't get me wrong, I don't want any of it back. I have the only thing of value from that time, my children. Yet I had another life so many years ago. Somehow by letting these items go, I have felt like it meant denouncing the life that brought me my two angels.
With each scrap of paper I released to the garbage I felt lifted. Each plastic container that was gone through and organized, some kept/some throw, seemed to organize my thoughts. With each box I felt calmer and even more motivated to toss. I remember the night five years ago when I took one last look at my home before I left it for good. The walls were bare. The boxes were filled. That house was where I nursed my babies. That house was were they took their first steps. That house was where Taron marked all over the white walls with black permanent marker and I could not paint over his artwork. I took everything I could from within the walls of my home and placed them in boxes to somehow save what was contained in the walls. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me. But now I understand why I have carried these boxes all these years. It was not my marriage I held on to. It was someway to preserve the life that created my boys and changed and molded me.
Now I see, all I every really needed was not housed in those boxes. I see, hear, smell, touch the two great things that came from that time everyday. They are my beautiful Taron and Keaton. I can put my arms around them, pull them close and savor the moment. It may take me a while to make it through all that is in my garage. But I am not afraid to face it anymore. I hope to find the time to tackle it again soon, but when the time comes I don't think it will hurt anymore.
5 comments:
Tara I think you do such a great and beautiful job at expressing yourself through words. I wish I could do that as well as you. I love reading your blog. I find many feelings that I can relate to andmany that I cant relate to but I almost feel like I can because you describe your feelings so vividl that I can almost feel them. I am sure that does not make any sense.
Sandy, Thanks for your comments. Sometimes I write things I didn't even know I had in me. It sure is nice to get them out.
I very much relate to this and understand what you feel....even thought the circumstances were. It's good to let go.
Tara-I am glad you are getting through all of that. I think we all hold on to something materialistic and think it makes us who we are. It is humbling when God gives us the opportunity to see what is truly the most important and beautiful thing in life and that is our family. I love you! Maria
This is a very beautiful and touching post. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to do all that. My husband had some of the same issues with things he had held onto from his first marriage. I am amazed at your wisdom as I read this post. I hope to be as wise one day.
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