Last night I was visiting with my neighbor about the snake we found in the driveway. She has lived here for over 10 years and never has she seen a snake. I joked because every home I have lived in over the last 6 years has had a snake sighting, at times in my home. We took pictures of our undesired guest and discovered he was actually a gopher snake. As far as snakes go, it is a particularly good one. I was laughing at my uneasiness around snakes when she asked if I would like a different spin on it. Stumped, I said sure, why not. The Garden of Eden was what I thought she may come up but instead she mentioned she snake is a symbol of woman and a very desireable thing. She told me that I should consider myself lucky because my energy must be sensed my the snake and it is a good sign to have them drawn to be near me. They are a symbol of transformation and mobility. Some believe they are a symbol of the ultimate female goddess. WOW! I should be grateful. As I listened to her, again I am reminded about perspective. Something that normally makes my skin crawl is actually i good sign, a sign of woman and strength.
I don't feel so strong right now. Today is my birthday and I look around and I can see all the things I am grateful for. I have a beautiful family that I am not worthy to parent. I have a strong relationship with my mother. The Bishop of my ward is spectacular with staying in contact with me weekly. I need his strength and our weekly talks. I have friends that encourage me through my trials and my joys. However, I feel myself...writing the words makes me feel ungrateful, which in turn makes me feel all the more worse. I have so much. Yet my heart hurts.
I long for someone to love and cherish. I desire to have Belle sealed to me for eternity. I want to give her a father. There was never a choice to adopt her or not. When she was placed in my arms as a small, chubby 10 month old baby, her heart touched mine. The road was long and riddled with ups and downs along the way. Now I look at her. She is beautiful and talented and oh so dangerously intelligent. She asks for a father. How do you tell a child they don't have one? Was I wrong to give her a life with only a mother? Will she ever have a father of her own for daddy daughter dates and when she turns 16 to be first date. Will a man ever love that precious child the way I do? Or more? Will anyone ever share in her joys and heartaches with me. When she performs on stage will I ever be able to feel a hand touch mine and turn to see a radiant smile as we look at our daughter. Is it wrong to believe that some day I will have someone to share those moments with and that Belle will have a mother and a father.
Happy Birthday Tara! May all your dreams come true.
I don't feel so strong right now. Today is my birthday and I look around and I can see all the things I am grateful for. I have a beautiful family that I am not worthy to parent. I have a strong relationship with my mother. The Bishop of my ward is spectacular with staying in contact with me weekly. I need his strength and our weekly talks. I have friends that encourage me through my trials and my joys. However, I feel myself...writing the words makes me feel ungrateful, which in turn makes me feel all the more worse. I have so much. Yet my heart hurts.
I long for someone to love and cherish. I desire to have Belle sealed to me for eternity. I want to give her a father. There was never a choice to adopt her or not. When she was placed in my arms as a small, chubby 10 month old baby, her heart touched mine. The road was long and riddled with ups and downs along the way. Now I look at her. She is beautiful and talented and oh so dangerously intelligent. She asks for a father. How do you tell a child they don't have one? Was I wrong to give her a life with only a mother? Will she ever have a father of her own for daddy daughter dates and when she turns 16 to be first date. Will a man ever love that precious child the way I do? Or more? Will anyone ever share in her joys and heartaches with me. When she performs on stage will I ever be able to feel a hand touch mine and turn to see a radiant smile as we look at our daughter. Is it wrong to believe that some day I will have someone to share those moments with and that Belle will have a mother and a father.
Happy Birthday Tara! May all your dreams come true.
1 comment:
Hey there Tara! How are you doing? I missed you at the reunion! I wa hoping to see you there. How are things in your life right now? You have a beautiful family. It was fun to look at your blog and see recent pics of them. Love ya!
SAndy
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